Journal

And this time of year, too much ooh, too much memories / Is he close, is he close to me? My friends say, it's just the love light in you And all the places he used to take me (used to take me, oh)

I kind of want this entry to be entirely song lyrics but I don't think thats very fun for anyone else to read, but there I go again, thinking someone else will read it, and there I go again, wanting to be seen above all. See - it does not MATTRR! As long as the person I am seen comfortably by is myself. But see on the OTHER hand it matters more than anything else the Earth has ever known or will ever know. To me. Maybe I should do a collage of song lyrics on my page lmfao. I keep having ideas and forgetting them. I keep having lives / and forgetting them. Do u ever get this feeling like you talked to some inhuman being, and it erased your memory? I'm in severe antidepessant withdrawal moment and I feel myself slipping away around me so I'm just sort of out here. Also I straight up like. Don't want to be 24 it is so scary:(

I kind of get so scared you know.

There is just... idk. I wake up every day and I kneel and I pound on the Earth and I say, Well, if something doesn't happen soon, it's over! & then nothing happens & my mother cries so it's not over and I hope it never is. I don't want to hurt anyone but I want to stop being scared. UNIVERSE, THE PROBLEM IS ME! I am acknowledging it, loud and clear, the unexhaleable thing. The problem is me, and the problem is a nesting doll of problems eternally folding inward, getting smaller and smaller with each suffering. Universe, I know, I understand it now, come on, I just know already!! I am pushing everyone I love away!!!! O, fix me please!! Oh, God, God above who I adore more than anything, fix each unpalatable part of me before I leak out into little puddles of drained failure! But isn't that a threat? Isn't that just me, completing the circle of obsession again, just like I always do, ugh??!!? If I can't be fixed, then maybe I can just be quiet? I love to talk. I don't know how to be quiet, how to cut the cord of my singsong. I just don't know!!!

I'm getting genetic testing done to see which meds I work best with, so hopefully this will shed some light on what medications might help me. I really just want to move on from this huge blowup and be okay.

I decided to move my personal life journalling largely from DW to here. I've faced a lot of social rejection on Dreamwidth and I guess there's just no place online I fit into perfectly, I'm either too young or too old or too niche or into the wrong stuff. I make connections and then I get banned. I make friends and I open up and I get blocked, all without a second word. I don't think there's any point to continuing to open up, at this point in the game. I think I just try to be happy with myself and move on. I might also just move to a different Dreamwidth account entirely & "start over".

I'm writing a chapter on what to do after they dig you up
/ That was the first time I knew
I don't really know what I'm doing. I didn't mean that last entry but I just sort of don't know how to deal with it. I keep getting good divination readings, I keep feeling like something should change but it never does. But I just can't focus on it I guess?

Surprise surprise, if anyone is reading this, this is what you're getting into: I have severe OCD, and it causes me to ruminate, and to do "compulsive introspection" to try and fix my life/understand myself/find my flaws and eliminate them. But like, that is kind of all I do? I told my psychiatrist if there's no OCD medication that can help me, how do I continue to live when I can't stop thinking and get out of my own mind? She had no answer beyond "commit to therapy" but girl I have been in therapy since 5 and BOTH of my therapists will tell you I am deeply committed. I just, for whatever reason, can't get better.

I've had treatment resistant depression my whole life, and I've been in ketamine therapy for it for 6 ish months right now, and while it has stopped suicidal urges, it hasn't fixed anything else. ALL I want is a deep and meaningful connection and I'm going to suffer forever until I get it and that suffering, ironically, will probably prevent me from getting it (such as what happened with my situationship earlier)---it's an enigma, an issue, a problem. And even if I got it, I know it wouldn't fix these problems. But it wouldn't hurt. Anyway I have a doctor's appointment now but I know I need to stop focusing on it.

Befooled again, the search continues
I am making way too many journal entries, but typing is easier than writing by hand and also I don't really have anywhere else to go.

And it is true! I ache so much. But who could the "you" be? It's a fill in the blank. It's a mangling, O! It is a mad lib. It is an embedded MS paint iframe. It is a draw-your-own-self-portrait. It is a spin the wheel. It is a roll-the-dice kind of thing. To put it simply: I just ache.

I just sort of want a love that won't come, because I'm not ready to accept it. I want a love that is accomodating and healthy and a love that feels good and an accepting love. I don't necessarily want a romantic love, I just want there to be a love. See: I am always eternally aching for a you that has no face, nothing to picture, nothing to paint, no reflection. I fall in love and the record scratches and skips on repeat to a new love the next day. I still don't want romantic love.

I just got over the worst breakup of my life, and it was "just" a situationship breakup. I don't want to talk about it, it has all been said. And yet, I find myself agonizing over this: we talked every day, and she was the only person I talked to every day. Now I do not have that. I miss just having someone to talk to, who reaches out, who wishes me good morning and good night. I fear I will never have it again due to my social disability & isolation.

And then I think, perhaps I am focusing on companionship too much? MAYBE! I should focus on! Myself/healing/my writing career/reporting the Scarymonster/what have you! And then I think, of course, is humanity not a social species? I have never had a real life friendship, not really. I had good romantic relationships as a teen, but as an adult no one has given me the same energy back at all or opened up to me, and I fear not having anyone to talk to on a repetitive basis since I was 18 has made my social skills regress unimaginably. I try to go into new spaces and make friends and I get rejected either immediately or eventually! I try to figure what the problem is, and fix it, but I can't figure it out, and I just end up ruminating. I have very few people I am close to at this point in my life - especially since I had to cut a bunch of people off recently by abandoning all my old accounts, but none of them reached out to me after I did at all, and that was 8 months ago, so lmao - and I don't see it changing any time soon, especially after the blow this breakup caused. I wonder when the right time to give up is. I wonder if it will ever be better at all.

Edit: Real life is intangible to me, to the point where I forget I have to specify that all of my relationships have been long distance until her lmfao.