I realized recently that the song that triggers me out when other alters are fronting? Nyan Cat. I was obsessed with it as a child, I'd play it for DAYS STRAIGHT, much to my mother's chagrin. It's my only positive trigger besides, like... The Orville.
Life has been a lot better since I last updated, over a month ago! I was in severe Cymbalta (one of the hardest drugs to get off I've ever been on) withdrawal when I wrote the previous entries, hence why they are so disjointed. I started a new drug, Auvelity, at the beginning of June and it has CHANGED MY LIFE!! I'm happy now. I don't want to kill myself anymore... I'm still struggling with my loneliness though. That's still a huge terrible specter in my life! But I'm able to deal with it now instead of letting it consume my life. NOW i am able to nap with my cat and enjoy life.
I do get caught up in loneliness a lot still. Or rather, my alter Dove does :/ I'm trying to work on ways to help him. But he's just so preoccupied with being unpartnered. Like, we haven't had a good relationship since we were 17! That sucks!! But it's not the end of the world, I keep trying to tell myself. At the same time, the thought of spending the next few years unpartnered is like. The most unbearable thought imaginable. Do you think it ever stops being like this? Do you think love can ever be requited, healthy, and good? Do you think it's ever going to happen to me I AM SWITCHING. I AM FALLING BACK INTO LONELYSAD OK WE GOTTA STOP.
My birthday is in two days. I'll be 24. I don't... feel 24? I feel ageless-ancient-young. I don't really know how to deal with aging, it scares me.
Journal
no TWs are used here. this is my space to rant, vent, and post any thoughts i have; smaller update microblog coming soon. read with caution.
June 25, 2025, 7:35pm: nya nyanyaynyanya
listening to: nyan catfeeling: chill
may 17, 8:58pm: i'm feeling older this winter / and my eyes are growing dark
listening to: winterheart - niki & the dovefeeling: sick!!!
And this time of year, too much ooh, too much memories
/ Is he close, is he close to me?
My friends say, it's just the love light in you
And all the places he used to take me (used to take me, oh)
I kind of want this entry to be entirely song lyrics but I don't think thats very fun for anyone else to read, but there I go again, thinking someone else will read it, and there I go again, wanting to be seen above all. See - it does not MATTRR! As long as the person I am seen comfortably by is myself. But see on the OTHER hand it matters more than anything else the Earth has ever known or will ever know. To me. Maybe I should do a collage of song lyrics on my page lmfao. I keep having ideas and forgetting them. I keep having lives / and forgetting them. Do u ever get this feeling like you talked to some inhuman being, and it erased your memory? I'm in severe antidepessant withdrawal moment and I feel myself slipping away around me so I'm just sort of out here. Also I straight up like. Don't want to be 24 it is so scary:(
I kind of want this entry to be entirely song lyrics but I don't think thats very fun for anyone else to read, but there I go again, thinking someone else will read it, and there I go again, wanting to be seen above all. See - it does not MATTRR! As long as the person I am seen comfortably by is myself. But see on the OTHER hand it matters more than anything else the Earth has ever known or will ever know. To me. Maybe I should do a collage of song lyrics on my page lmfao. I keep having ideas and forgetting them. I keep having lives / and forgetting them. Do u ever get this feeling like you talked to some inhuman being, and it erased your memory? I'm in severe antidepessant withdrawal moment and I feel myself slipping away around me so I'm just sort of out here. Also I straight up like. Don't want to be 24 it is so scary:(
may 16, 5:15pm: and i don't know / who / i wanna be
listening to: mowgli's road (black teeth remix) - marinafeeling: AAAAA
I kind of get so scared you know.
There is just... idk. I wake up every day and I kneel and I pound on the Earth and I say, Well, if something doesn't happen soon, it's over! & then nothing happens & my mother cries so it's not over and I hope it never is. I don't want to hurt anyone but I want to stop being scared. UNIVERSE, THE PROBLEM IS ME! I am acknowledging it, loud and clear, the unexhaleable thing. The problem is me, and the problem is a nesting doll of problems eternally folding inward, getting smaller and smaller with each suffering. Universe, I know, I understand it now, come on, I just know already!! I am pushing everyone I love away!!!! O, fix me please!! Oh, God, God above who I adore more than anything, fix each unpalatable part of me before I leak out into little puddles of drained failure! But isn't that a threat? Isn't that just me, completing the circle of obsession again, just like I always do, ugh??!!? If I can't be fixed, then maybe I can just be quiet? I love to talk. I don't know how to be quiet, how to cut the cord of my singsong. I just don't know!!!
may 14, 12:11pm: oh, my heart is / like an eagle
listening to:mother protect - niki & the dovefeeling: tired
I'm getting genetic testing done to see which meds I work best with, so hopefully this will shed some light on what medications might help me. I really just want to move on from this huge blowup and be okay.
I decided to move my personal life journalling largely from DW to here. I've faced a lot of social rejection on Dreamwidth and I guess there's just no place online I fit into perfectly, I'm either too young or too old or too niche or into the wrong stuff. I make connections and then I get banned. I make friends and I open up and I get blocked, all without a second word. I don't think there's any point to continuing to open up, at this point in the game. I think I just try to be happy with myself and move on. I might also just move to a different Dreamwidth account entirely & "start over".
may 13, 08:59AM: when you hate what you used to love
listening to: how not to drown - chvrches & robert smithfeeling: meh
I'm writing a chapter on what to do after they dig you up
/ That was the first time I knew
I don't really know what I'm doing. I didn't mean that last entry but I just sort of don't know how to deal with it. I keep getting good divination readings, I keep feeling like something should change but it never does. But I just can't focus on it I guess?
/ That was the first time I knew
I don't really know what I'm doing. I didn't mean that last entry but I just sort of don't know how to deal with it. I keep getting good divination readings, I keep feeling like something should change but it never does. But I just can't focus on it I guess?
Surprise surprise, if anyone is reading this, this is what you're getting into: I have severe OCD, and it causes me to ruminate, and to do "compulsive introspection" to try and fix my life/understand myself/find my flaws and eliminate them. But like, that is kind of all I do? I told my psychiatrist if there's no OCD medication that can help me, how do I continue to live when I can't stop thinking and get out of my own mind? She had no answer beyond "commit to therapy" but girl I have been in therapy since 5 and BOTH of my therapists will tell you I am deeply committed. I just, for whatever reason, can't get better.
I've had treatment resistant depression my whole life, and I've been in ketamine therapy for it for 6 ish months right now, and while it has stopped suicidal urges, it hasn't fixed anything else. ALL I want is a deep and meaningful connection and I'm going to suffer forever until I get it and that suffering, ironically, will probably prevent me from getting it (such as what happened with my situationship earlier)---it's an enigma, an issue, a problem. And even if I got it, I know it wouldn't fix these problems. But it wouldn't hurt. Anyway I have a doctor's appointment now but I know I need to stop focusing on it.
may 13, 05:32 AM: i have decided at 25 that something must change
listening to: kreuzberg - bloc partyfeeling: weird (again)
Befooled again, the search continues
I am making way too many journal entries, but typing is easier than writing by hand and also I don't really have anywhere else to go.
I am making way too many journal entries, but typing is easier than writing by hand and also I don't really have anywhere else to go.
may 13, 2025, 2:03AM: there is so much love in me
listening to: ache - fka twigsfeeling: weird
And it is true! I ache so much. But who could the "you" be? It's a fill in the blank. It's a mangling, O! It is a mad lib. It is an embedded MS paint iframe. It is a draw-your-own-self-portrait. It is a spin the wheel. It is a roll-the-dice kind of thing. To put it simply: I just ache.
I just sort of want a love that won't come, because I'm not ready to accept it. I want a love that is accomodating and healthy and a love that feels good and an accepting love. I don't necessarily want a romantic love, I just want there to be a love. See: I am always eternally aching for a you that has no face, nothing to picture, nothing to paint, no reflection. I fall in love and the record scratches and skips on repeat to a new love the next day. I still don't want romantic love.
I just got over the worst breakup of my life, and it was "just" a situationship breakup. I don't want to talk about it, it has all been said. And yet, I find myself agonizing over this: we talked every day, and she was the only person I talked to every day. Now I do not have that. I miss just having someone to talk to, who reaches out, who wishes me good morning and good night. I fear I will never have it again due to my social disability & isolation.
And then I think, perhaps I am focusing on companionship too much? MAYBE! I should focus on! Myself/healing/my writing career/reporting the Scarymonster/what have you! And then I think, of course, is humanity not a social species? I have never had a real life friendship, not really. I had good romantic relationships as a teen, but as an adult no one has given me the same energy back at all or opened up to me, and I fear not having anyone to talk to on a repetitive basis since I was 18 has made my social skills regress unimaginably. I try to go into new spaces and make friends and I get rejected either immediately or eventually! I try to figure what the problem is, and fix it, but I can't figure it out, and I just end up ruminating. I have very few people I am close to at this point in my life - especially since I had to cut a bunch of people off recently by abandoning all my old accounts, but none of them reached out to me after I did at all, and that was 8 months ago, so lmao - and I don't see it changing any time soon, especially after the blow this breakup caused. I wonder when the right time to give up is. I wonder if it will ever be better at all.
Edit: Real life is intangible to me, to the point where I forget I have to specify that all of my relationships have been long distance until her lmfao.